hmmmmm

so here i am.. thinking.. actually ive BEEN thinking, how on earth can i get my life back? how can i be who i was? my relationships with ppl have suffered greatly do to my disorder, i cant do a thing without it being there. so im just hoping that somehow ill gain the strength i desperatly need.

something that i wonder is would i be able to stop if i just learned how to feel again? could i then... i dont wana die... mainly, i just am sick of being consumed.

so this month ive lost 6 lbs. hmmmm, think id be happy... nope. i just want more. the more i loose the more i wanna loose. its a NO WIN situation. i want my control back. ill get it. ill do whatever, i mean WHATEVER it takes. its gonna be hard, but fuck.. im a strong person. i can do this.. i hope

youll never know

how does it feel to have such a obsession? people ask me "how can i do what i do" "what are you thinking"... ill put it this way, there IS no thinking... no feeling... it just is. all day... 24-7... it exisist in everything i do. every thought i have... every little thing is somehow related to my disorder. i cant walk past a mirror without looking... not to see if a hair is out of place, but to see how fat i look today. everyday i look fat... its been months since ive lost a signifacant amount of weight and i feel huge. like a cow... like a big fat waste of space.

these thoughts occupy EVERY aspect of my existance. people do not understand. not one bit. they say "how can you not see how nice you look"... i feel like screaming at them... dont those fuckers know i wish i could see it? im sick to fucking death of being consumed by thoughts of food... what should i eat... i cant eat this... im starving, ill eat this bowl of cereal and just puke it up... wheres the control???? my fat ass has none. thats why i stopped loosing weight. in order to do so, i have to restrict EVEN more. my body is USED to this amount... of course im not gonna drop like CRAZY. ive gotta stop eating this amount... and eat less... way less... and stop puking cuz my fucking throat hurts and i feel bloated as shit.

now on to laxatives... yup... ex-lax. why on earth do i use laxatives??? its insane. no "real" weight loss comes from them, i know that.. but somehow in my crazy as fuck mind... i shit, step on that scale a pound lighter and im in bliss. just as ill eat... be a pound heavier, FREAK OUT feeling like i gained weight, im FAT and puke... loose 2 lbs and feel proud. like i lost weight. its sick... its twisted... it consumes me... it may kill me... yet i do it every single day. sometimes several times a day.

imagine that... imagine being soooo terrifyed of gaining weight, and feeling so fat that everyday... you get rid of all youre food. you go into the bathroom, shove your finger down your burnibg throat, and puke. you KNOW it may kill you... you KNOW your teeth will rott.. you KNOW your damaging your organs, esp your heart... yet the fear, anxiety... OBSESSIVE thoughts make ALL those dangers seem minor. cuz christ... id rather die than be fat.

so for all you that just dont get it... think i should "just stop"... go fuck yourselves. im in hell... everyday of my life. just because im not massive overweight DOES NOT mean my disorder is "easier" than a overweight person. i suffer BAD. i hate this... i hate me. i wish it would all go away...

i want to disappear....

jell-o, bread, and... jell-o

ok so... its been a week since ive puked ANY food. well let me tell ya exactly how im feeling.....
1. proud
2. extreme anxiety ANY time food passes my lips, therefore my diet consists of lite 100% whole wheat bread, and jell-o. yep... fucking jell-o.
3. missing my "vice", but also glad ive made it this long.
4. tired... maybe cuz all im eating really is JELL-O!!! christ!
5. did i say anxious
well... theres some of the feelings ive had. this has proven to be one of the absolute hardest things ive ever fucking done and its only been a week! i dont think ill ever loose the urge completly. i think ill always struggle with the WANT, but im hoping to at least conquer this part of my eating disorder. all the other weird , crazy, obsessive food bullshit... well i can live with that i think. ive lost 2 lbs... cant say im dissapointed, but cant say i want to loose weight either, but thats what happens when your living on mother fucken jell-o! i really like jell-o... its yummy, comes in many different flavors... cold, refreshing.... mmmm, BUT i cant say a jell-o and bread diet is satisfying... its not. as of now, i cant really eat because of anxiety. i knew this would happen. i knew that my restricting food disorder would be in full effect... but for how long i wonder???? will i ever loose anxiety about food???? hmmm, just gotta wait and see. for now, ill enjoy my jell-o and imagine its a huge plate of aussie cheese fries from outback steakhouse!!! YES!!! :)

look at me

tell me what you see when you look at me,
do you see that old someone who is now empty?

i feel nothing i used to, nothings the same
a constant battle within, i struggle to remain.

where did i go, when will i be back?
as i try to stay strong, i long for the past.

i want to laugh the same laugh, cry the same cry,
i look at myself, someone please tell me why?

bitter, empty, angry, insane
truth is you are the one that has caused all this pain

im not good enough for you, your actions proved that
you dont care how i am, or if im alive
i act so much like i dont care
truth is, i have died.

i thought for a moment things might have changed
maybe you werent as bad as you seemed
maybe , just maybe...

suddenly it all made sense, and hit me like a ton of bricks,
i was never accepted or loved by you, i became your "friend"
you didnt have to care for me, you could now easily pretend.

i didnt make a mess, or come home late, i was no longer your child
a inconvience... a obligation.
you never wanted me... you never liked me... you never loved me.
i could not do right.

i want to forgive you, i want to move on,
but truthfully, all of the pain is to strong
i cant just pretend as easily as you,
i cant act as if nothing ever happened, that what hurts wasnt caused by you.

something ive relized, is i hurt myself to get back at you
if you couldnt love me, why should i?
if you couldnt accept me, of course i wont
but i dont want to live like this, i dont want to ache.

i dont want anything from you, a apology would be nice,
tho i couldnt accept it, it wouldnt come from the heart,
youll never admit all you have done,
youll make up excuses, youll say im the one.

ill tell you one thing, i wont let you in,
ill never trust you again,
my heart will never win.

it tells me forgive, move on
it tells me i might regret this long after youre gone.

my mind knows better, it tells me beware
dont let him back in, he'll hurt you again.
youll think its all done... youll move on,
but once you dissapoint... it all will be gone.

so tell me, what do you see?
do you see my insides... do you see im empty?
of course you dont, it would mean you care...
you are a stranger to me....

ADDICTED

its like youre a drug, its like youre a demon i cant face down
its like im stuck, its like im running from you all the time, and i know i let you have all the power, its like the only company i seek is misery all around.

its like youre a leach, sucking the life from me, its like i cant breathe, without you inside of me, and i know i let you have all the power, and i relize im never gonna quit you over time.

its like i cant breathe, its like i cant see anything, nothing but you, im addicted to you, its like i cant think without you interrupting me, in my thoughts, in my dreams, youve taken over me.

its like im not me.... its like im not me....

its like im lost, its like im giving up slowley,
its like youre a ghost thats haunting me, leave me alone....
and i know these voices in my head are mine alone, and i know ill never change my ways if i dont give you up now.

im hooked on you, i need a fix... i cant take it, just one more hit, i promise i can deal with it.
ill handle it, quit it... just one more time then thats it....
just a little bit more to help get me through this.

its like i cant breathe, its like i cant see anything, nothing but you, im addicted to you, its like i cant think, without you interrupting me, in my thoughts, in my dreams, youve taken over me.

its like im not me.... its like im not me....

ill never get it

i relized something today... something i knew, but REALLY "knew" after today.

i want a baby. i want to experiance a normal baby, first steps, oxygen free... potty training, eating cake on their first birthday. all those things.

i will never have that. not ever. it sucks, i hate it... i dont understand. why couldnt i have normal kids? whats wrong in my body? why cant i live the life others have, i must not deserve it, or in a past life... i really fucked up and am paying hard now.

i just feel so fucking abnormal. from the babies, the mental shit, the eating problems, my familey issues. i feel like im not really living life. im not at all who i want to be. im nothing. i really serve no purpose. i live each day because i have to. i dont want to. i wake up... and it starts all over. a repeat of the day before... and before.... and before. nothing changes, nothing gets better. it all remains the same. one twisted existance.

i dont get it. i have a awsome husband, a great kid, a great dog... yet im sad inside. no one really knows me. not the real me. no one knows that every fucking day im reminded somehow of what i desperatly want, but cant have. normalcy. im reminded of it all, seems latley all i do is cry and think. when will it end? my mind drives me crazy... constantly telling me im nothing, i look at all the fucked up shit thats happened, and i wonder... will i ever get MY break? will i ever find peace inside? i kinda dont think so.

im tired of telling people "im good" when im not. im tired of fake smiling, im not happy... not at all. sure, i have happy moments, good days, but inside... im always sad.

latley im really sad about the baby stuff.... i wanna feel what it feels like to have a normal experiance with a baby... a child. i love jake with all my heart, but his infantcy, and childhood so far, are anything but normal. ill be 29 in june... i feel that ticking clock... i feel the urge, yet i cant... i cant take the chance. i honestly wouldnt survive this time. i didnt survive last time... ive never been the same. ever.

as hes getting older, theres less and less we can do. his size, the size of his wheelchair... its a mother fucker. ill never, ever get it. people expect me to get over it... deal, well i DO DEAL, but ill never get over it.

what triggered this today was i was watching JUNO... BTW- a great movie. anyhow, i relized everytime a movie with pregnant woman, or babies are on... i cry. even if its a comedy. i relized my god... im not over it. i never WILL be over it. im so jealous and envious of all these mommies with their perfect little kids i could fucking puke. i hate that they have what i want. i hate watching them with their kids... talking about all their kids are doing... i know i sound like a selfish bitch, and id never EVER wish a bad thing on anyone, but i have to ask myself... WHY ME? why do THEY get all i want? i mean, ok... jake was born with spina bifida... FINE... but i try again, twice and STILL cant have it? i still cant get it right? fuck me.

i just want something.... just something to "feel" right.

DEAR JACOB,

dear jacob,

i look at you everyday... i see your struggles. i see how this disability has affected you. i watch you "watch" other kids... envy in your eyes, longing to run free as they do. you tell me you wish you would wake up one day and stand. you tell me you want to walk, run... do things like dad and i do. i feel your pain, my sweet boy. i try to be strong for you. some days... i wanna run away from it all. mainly, because i can not stand to see your struggles. i cant stand to see your pain.... i cant stand the fact that i have a hard time taking care of you... it tears me up inside...

what scares me is that i know as you get older, you will struggle and hurt even more. you will long for a "normal" life filled with all the things that we dream of. you will come to relization one day that a life of "normalcy".... will never be yours.

will you hate me? will you resent me for not pushing you? for not being the mom i should be? will you blame me for your disability?

if you do, i will never, ever hold it against you jacob. i too, feel its my fault. my body disabled you. i wasnt strong, or right inside... and YOU pay for it every day of your life. for the rest of your life. i should be the one that pays. its my fault.

jacob, i am so sorry.

if i could take it ALL away.... take on all your struggles onto myself, believe me... i would, in a heartbeat.

you tell me ALOT that you want a brother or sister. someone to play with. it breaks my heart sweetie. i TRYED for you. i tryed twice. remember? remember when i was pregnant both times, and lost those babies? they were disabled too, one was confirmed... trisomy 13. ill never EVER forget those times. the dissapointment in your eyes, how you cryed with me. im so sorry i cant even give you that. my bodys not right babe. i CANT try again, i CANT do it jake. it hurts me when you keep asking... but you are a child, ill never make you feel bad. ill never let you know my heart breaks each time, and i fight back tears. the pain from those losses, AND the pain and guilt from your disability, STILL kills me to this day.

it seems as if its getting harder for me to actully accept it. i watch you get older... i watch the kids around us grow older, doing things YOU should do... i hate it jacob! i wanted MORE for you. so much more.

i wanted to see you run, play. i wanted to take you to the park, push you on the swings.... do you know how it hurts ME that youve never walked on a beach? felt the sand between your toes? or ran along side the water.... laughing. youve NEVER climbed up a slide, and slid down. youve never swong on the monkey bars... youve never "really" danced. when you hug me, you cant fully hug me, because you are sitting down. you have never threw yourself into a pile of crisp autum leaves, or made a snow angel....

then i relize, you havent really experianced much of anything else than crawling, and sitting in a wheelchair. i feel so bad my babe, i wish so much i could fix it for you. i just want you to feel like everyone else. and truth is... you never will.

as you grow, youll start to notice how different life really is for you. youll have questions that i wont have answers for, or wont know how to say the harsh reality to you... like, it FUCKING sucks that this happened to YOU. or how fucked up it is i couldnt even give you a sibling. my body killed them. im sorry jacob. and to my unborn babies... im sorry to you my little angels too.

youll want so much more... youll want kids maybe. i know ill never be a grandma. but thats my problem, not yours.

jacob, i know i dont always do the right thing. im impatient, i get angry... im sorry. this is hard for me. i hate saying that, but its true. i didnt want this kind of life. not for any of us. please NEVER think for a second its your fault. its NOT. its just diffucult. its not easy for us to be limited as we are. mainly, for you to be limited as you are.

again my sweetie, im sorry... i love you more than life jacob. i know you wont see this... maybe one day.... but i feel ive accomplished something by telling you these things. you are my heart.

i love you. XOXOX

SETTING MYSELF FREE......

its been a LONG time since ive wrote. im trying to collect my thoughts, thinking about the perfect things to say. well, a GREAT friend of mine told me that i make the MOST sense when i ramble. so, here we go........
to be quite honest, im sick to fucking death at this point. sick of bipolar mood swings, sick of eating disorders, depression... life. period. im not really happy. my happiness is short lived, only by some false sense of gratification.... shopping, new hair do... the UPS of i CAN DO ANYTHING. well, reality ALWAYS sets in and then what? i look in the mirror and see a pathetic weak woman. i hate me. i dont like one single thing about ME. i dont like my body FIRST and FOREMOST. it sucks. i often wonder HOW the hell a person of MY weight can look so terriably repulsive. i feel fat. fat. fat. if i eat, im fat... thats it. ive gotta REALLY restrict the fuck outta what i eat. the ONLY time i feel good... is when im empty.

why is that? god, i wish i knew. i like to feel light as can be, food weighs me down. life weighs me down. since ive decided i wanted to GET BETTER with the eating shit, ive ACTULLY gotten worse. more obsessive, more addicted to the scale.... calories. im so tired of living like this. im so tired of living.

i wonder what happens when you die? i personally DO NOT believe in "GOD" i cant see how a loving GOD can cause so much pain...or allow such pain to go on. anyhow, i DO believe theres something though... something for me. a place where we all are beautiful... no one hurts, no one crys.... we laugh, we dance. ill look in the mirror and see me. ME, not some ugly, fat, worthless person whos entire self worth has become a game of scales, food, calories.... hate. self hate. the only time i "feel" anymore, is if i accomplished my daily goals. latley, im trying to BETTER that.... its MAKING ME WORSE.

i just hope that when im gone.... that place WILL exist. that i will feel good enough, ill feel what its like to LIVE each moment in joy, no worries.....

and when my husband and son join me.... ill see my son RUN to me, god... i cant wait to see him run.i want to push him on swings, i want to hold his hand while he walks... i want to feel what its like to hug him while he stands, holding me... his arms around my waist. i want to see him jump. i wanna watch him dance. i want SO much to FEEL these things, to see these things. i want to be free. i want my son to be free from his body. the body that disables him. i hope with all my heart this place exists.

then... ill be free.