ill never get it

i relized something today... something i knew, but REALLY "knew" after today.

i want a baby. i want to experiance a normal baby, first steps, oxygen free... potty training, eating cake on their first birthday. all those things.

i will never have that. not ever. it sucks, i hate it... i dont understand. why couldnt i have normal kids? whats wrong in my body? why cant i live the life others have, i must not deserve it, or in a past life... i really fucked up and am paying hard now.

i just feel so fucking abnormal. from the babies, the mental shit, the eating problems, my familey issues. i feel like im not really living life. im not at all who i want to be. im nothing. i really serve no purpose. i live each day because i have to. i dont want to. i wake up... and it starts all over. a repeat of the day before... and before.... and before. nothing changes, nothing gets better. it all remains the same. one twisted existance.

i dont get it. i have a awsome husband, a great kid, a great dog... yet im sad inside. no one really knows me. not the real me. no one knows that every fucking day im reminded somehow of what i desperatly want, but cant have. normalcy. im reminded of it all, seems latley all i do is cry and think. when will it end? my mind drives me crazy... constantly telling me im nothing, i look at all the fucked up shit thats happened, and i wonder... will i ever get MY break? will i ever find peace inside? i kinda dont think so.

im tired of telling people "im good" when im not. im tired of fake smiling, im not happy... not at all. sure, i have happy moments, good days, but inside... im always sad.

latley im really sad about the baby stuff.... i wanna feel what it feels like to have a normal experiance with a baby... a child. i love jake with all my heart, but his infantcy, and childhood so far, are anything but normal. ill be 29 in june... i feel that ticking clock... i feel the urge, yet i cant... i cant take the chance. i honestly wouldnt survive this time. i didnt survive last time... ive never been the same. ever.

as hes getting older, theres less and less we can do. his size, the size of his wheelchair... its a mother fucker. ill never, ever get it. people expect me to get over it... deal, well i DO DEAL, but ill never get over it.

what triggered this today was i was watching JUNO... BTW- a great movie. anyhow, i relized everytime a movie with pregnant woman, or babies are on... i cry. even if its a comedy. i relized my god... im not over it. i never WILL be over it. im so jealous and envious of all these mommies with their perfect little kids i could fucking puke. i hate that they have what i want. i hate watching them with their kids... talking about all their kids are doing... i know i sound like a selfish bitch, and id never EVER wish a bad thing on anyone, but i have to ask myself... WHY ME? why do THEY get all i want? i mean, ok... jake was born with spina bifida... FINE... but i try again, twice and STILL cant have it? i still cant get it right? fuck me.

i just want something.... just something to "feel" right.

DEAR JACOB,

dear jacob,

i look at you everyday... i see your struggles. i see how this disability has affected you. i watch you "watch" other kids... envy in your eyes, longing to run free as they do. you tell me you wish you would wake up one day and stand. you tell me you want to walk, run... do things like dad and i do. i feel your pain, my sweet boy. i try to be strong for you. some days... i wanna run away from it all. mainly, because i can not stand to see your struggles. i cant stand to see your pain.... i cant stand the fact that i have a hard time taking care of you... it tears me up inside...

what scares me is that i know as you get older, you will struggle and hurt even more. you will long for a "normal" life filled with all the things that we dream of. you will come to relization one day that a life of "normalcy".... will never be yours.

will you hate me? will you resent me for not pushing you? for not being the mom i should be? will you blame me for your disability?

if you do, i will never, ever hold it against you jacob. i too, feel its my fault. my body disabled you. i wasnt strong, or right inside... and YOU pay for it every day of your life. for the rest of your life. i should be the one that pays. its my fault.

jacob, i am so sorry.

if i could take it ALL away.... take on all your struggles onto myself, believe me... i would, in a heartbeat.

you tell me ALOT that you want a brother or sister. someone to play with. it breaks my heart sweetie. i TRYED for you. i tryed twice. remember? remember when i was pregnant both times, and lost those babies? they were disabled too, one was confirmed... trisomy 13. ill never EVER forget those times. the dissapointment in your eyes, how you cryed with me. im so sorry i cant even give you that. my bodys not right babe. i CANT try again, i CANT do it jake. it hurts me when you keep asking... but you are a child, ill never make you feel bad. ill never let you know my heart breaks each time, and i fight back tears. the pain from those losses, AND the pain and guilt from your disability, STILL kills me to this day.

it seems as if its getting harder for me to actully accept it. i watch you get older... i watch the kids around us grow older, doing things YOU should do... i hate it jacob! i wanted MORE for you. so much more.

i wanted to see you run, play. i wanted to take you to the park, push you on the swings.... do you know how it hurts ME that youve never walked on a beach? felt the sand between your toes? or ran along side the water.... laughing. youve NEVER climbed up a slide, and slid down. youve never swong on the monkey bars... youve never "really" danced. when you hug me, you cant fully hug me, because you are sitting down. you have never threw yourself into a pile of crisp autum leaves, or made a snow angel....

then i relize, you havent really experianced much of anything else than crawling, and sitting in a wheelchair. i feel so bad my babe, i wish so much i could fix it for you. i just want you to feel like everyone else. and truth is... you never will.

as you grow, youll start to notice how different life really is for you. youll have questions that i wont have answers for, or wont know how to say the harsh reality to you... like, it FUCKING sucks that this happened to YOU. or how fucked up it is i couldnt even give you a sibling. my body killed them. im sorry jacob. and to my unborn babies... im sorry to you my little angels too.

youll want so much more... youll want kids maybe. i know ill never be a grandma. but thats my problem, not yours.

jacob, i know i dont always do the right thing. im impatient, i get angry... im sorry. this is hard for me. i hate saying that, but its true. i didnt want this kind of life. not for any of us. please NEVER think for a second its your fault. its NOT. its just diffucult. its not easy for us to be limited as we are. mainly, for you to be limited as you are.

again my sweetie, im sorry... i love you more than life jacob. i know you wont see this... maybe one day.... but i feel ive accomplished something by telling you these things. you are my heart.

i love you. XOXOX

SETTING MYSELF FREE......

its been a LONG time since ive wrote. im trying to collect my thoughts, thinking about the perfect things to say. well, a GREAT friend of mine told me that i make the MOST sense when i ramble. so, here we go........
to be quite honest, im sick to fucking death at this point. sick of bipolar mood swings, sick of eating disorders, depression... life. period. im not really happy. my happiness is short lived, only by some false sense of gratification.... shopping, new hair do... the UPS of i CAN DO ANYTHING. well, reality ALWAYS sets in and then what? i look in the mirror and see a pathetic weak woman. i hate me. i dont like one single thing about ME. i dont like my body FIRST and FOREMOST. it sucks. i often wonder HOW the hell a person of MY weight can look so terriably repulsive. i feel fat. fat. fat. if i eat, im fat... thats it. ive gotta REALLY restrict the fuck outta what i eat. the ONLY time i feel good... is when im empty.

why is that? god, i wish i knew. i like to feel light as can be, food weighs me down. life weighs me down. since ive decided i wanted to GET BETTER with the eating shit, ive ACTULLY gotten worse. more obsessive, more addicted to the scale.... calories. im so tired of living like this. im so tired of living.

i wonder what happens when you die? i personally DO NOT believe in "GOD" i cant see how a loving GOD can cause so much pain...or allow such pain to go on. anyhow, i DO believe theres something though... something for me. a place where we all are beautiful... no one hurts, no one crys.... we laugh, we dance. ill look in the mirror and see me. ME, not some ugly, fat, worthless person whos entire self worth has become a game of scales, food, calories.... hate. self hate. the only time i "feel" anymore, is if i accomplished my daily goals. latley, im trying to BETTER that.... its MAKING ME WORSE.

i just hope that when im gone.... that place WILL exist. that i will feel good enough, ill feel what its like to LIVE each moment in joy, no worries.....

and when my husband and son join me.... ill see my son RUN to me, god... i cant wait to see him run.i want to push him on swings, i want to hold his hand while he walks... i want to feel what its like to hug him while he stands, holding me... his arms around my waist. i want to see him jump. i wanna watch him dance. i want SO much to FEEL these things, to see these things. i want to be free. i want my son to be free from his body. the body that disables him. i hope with all my heart this place exists.

then... ill be free.