DEAR JACOB,

dear jacob,

i look at you everyday... i see your struggles. i see how this disability has affected you. i watch you "watch" other kids... envy in your eyes, longing to run free as they do. you tell me you wish you would wake up one day and stand. you tell me you want to walk, run... do things like dad and i do. i feel your pain, my sweet boy. i try to be strong for you. some days... i wanna run away from it all. mainly, because i can not stand to see your struggles. i cant stand to see your pain.... i cant stand the fact that i have a hard time taking care of you... it tears me up inside...

what scares me is that i know as you get older, you will struggle and hurt even more. you will long for a "normal" life filled with all the things that we dream of. you will come to relization one day that a life of "normalcy".... will never be yours.

will you hate me? will you resent me for not pushing you? for not being the mom i should be? will you blame me for your disability?

if you do, i will never, ever hold it against you jacob. i too, feel its my fault. my body disabled you. i wasnt strong, or right inside... and YOU pay for it every day of your life. for the rest of your life. i should be the one that pays. its my fault.

jacob, i am so sorry.

if i could take it ALL away.... take on all your struggles onto myself, believe me... i would, in a heartbeat.

you tell me ALOT that you want a brother or sister. someone to play with. it breaks my heart sweetie. i TRYED for you. i tryed twice. remember? remember when i was pregnant both times, and lost those babies? they were disabled too, one was confirmed... trisomy 13. ill never EVER forget those times. the dissapointment in your eyes, how you cryed with me. im so sorry i cant even give you that. my bodys not right babe. i CANT try again, i CANT do it jake. it hurts me when you keep asking... but you are a child, ill never make you feel bad. ill never let you know my heart breaks each time, and i fight back tears. the pain from those losses, AND the pain and guilt from your disability, STILL kills me to this day.

it seems as if its getting harder for me to actully accept it. i watch you get older... i watch the kids around us grow older, doing things YOU should do... i hate it jacob! i wanted MORE for you. so much more.

i wanted to see you run, play. i wanted to take you to the park, push you on the swings.... do you know how it hurts ME that youve never walked on a beach? felt the sand between your toes? or ran along side the water.... laughing. youve NEVER climbed up a slide, and slid down. youve never swong on the monkey bars... youve never "really" danced. when you hug me, you cant fully hug me, because you are sitting down. you have never threw yourself into a pile of crisp autum leaves, or made a snow angel....

then i relize, you havent really experianced much of anything else than crawling, and sitting in a wheelchair. i feel so bad my babe, i wish so much i could fix it for you. i just want you to feel like everyone else. and truth is... you never will.

as you grow, youll start to notice how different life really is for you. youll have questions that i wont have answers for, or wont know how to say the harsh reality to you... like, it FUCKING sucks that this happened to YOU. or how fucked up it is i couldnt even give you a sibling. my body killed them. im sorry jacob. and to my unborn babies... im sorry to you my little angels too.

youll want so much more... youll want kids maybe. i know ill never be a grandma. but thats my problem, not yours.

jacob, i know i dont always do the right thing. im impatient, i get angry... im sorry. this is hard for me. i hate saying that, but its true. i didnt want this kind of life. not for any of us. please NEVER think for a second its your fault. its NOT. its just diffucult. its not easy for us to be limited as we are. mainly, for you to be limited as you are.

again my sweetie, im sorry... i love you more than life jacob. i know you wont see this... maybe one day.... but i feel ive accomplished something by telling you these things. you are my heart.

i love you. XOXOX