ill never get it

i relized something today... something i knew, but REALLY "knew" after today.

i want a baby. i want to experiance a normal baby, first steps, oxygen free... potty training, eating cake on their first birthday. all those things.

i will never have that. not ever. it sucks, i hate it... i dont understand. why couldnt i have normal kids? whats wrong in my body? why cant i live the life others have, i must not deserve it, or in a past life... i really fucked up and am paying hard now.

i just feel so fucking abnormal. from the babies, the mental shit, the eating problems, my familey issues. i feel like im not really living life. im not at all who i want to be. im nothing. i really serve no purpose. i live each day because i have to. i dont want to. i wake up... and it starts all over. a repeat of the day before... and before.... and before. nothing changes, nothing gets better. it all remains the same. one twisted existance.

i dont get it. i have a awsome husband, a great kid, a great dog... yet im sad inside. no one really knows me. not the real me. no one knows that every fucking day im reminded somehow of what i desperatly want, but cant have. normalcy. im reminded of it all, seems latley all i do is cry and think. when will it end? my mind drives me crazy... constantly telling me im nothing, i look at all the fucked up shit thats happened, and i wonder... will i ever get MY break? will i ever find peace inside? i kinda dont think so.

im tired of telling people "im good" when im not. im tired of fake smiling, im not happy... not at all. sure, i have happy moments, good days, but inside... im always sad.

latley im really sad about the baby stuff.... i wanna feel what it feels like to have a normal experiance with a baby... a child. i love jake with all my heart, but his infantcy, and childhood so far, are anything but normal. ill be 29 in june... i feel that ticking clock... i feel the urge, yet i cant... i cant take the chance. i honestly wouldnt survive this time. i didnt survive last time... ive never been the same. ever.

as hes getting older, theres less and less we can do. his size, the size of his wheelchair... its a mother fucker. ill never, ever get it. people expect me to get over it... deal, well i DO DEAL, but ill never get over it.

what triggered this today was i was watching JUNO... BTW- a great movie. anyhow, i relized everytime a movie with pregnant woman, or babies are on... i cry. even if its a comedy. i relized my god... im not over it. i never WILL be over it. im so jealous and envious of all these mommies with their perfect little kids i could fucking puke. i hate that they have what i want. i hate watching them with their kids... talking about all their kids are doing... i know i sound like a selfish bitch, and id never EVER wish a bad thing on anyone, but i have to ask myself... WHY ME? why do THEY get all i want? i mean, ok... jake was born with spina bifida... FINE... but i try again, twice and STILL cant have it? i still cant get it right? fuck me.

i just want something.... just something to "feel" right.