SETTING MYSELF FREE......

its been a LONG time since ive wrote. im trying to collect my thoughts, thinking about the perfect things to say. well, a GREAT friend of mine told me that i make the MOST sense when i ramble. so, here we go........
to be quite honest, im sick to fucking death at this point. sick of bipolar mood swings, sick of eating disorders, depression... life. period. im not really happy. my happiness is short lived, only by some false sense of gratification.... shopping, new hair do... the UPS of i CAN DO ANYTHING. well, reality ALWAYS sets in and then what? i look in the mirror and see a pathetic weak woman. i hate me. i dont like one single thing about ME. i dont like my body FIRST and FOREMOST. it sucks. i often wonder HOW the hell a person of MY weight can look so terriably repulsive. i feel fat. fat. fat. if i eat, im fat... thats it. ive gotta REALLY restrict the fuck outta what i eat. the ONLY time i feel good... is when im empty.

why is that? god, i wish i knew. i like to feel light as can be, food weighs me down. life weighs me down. since ive decided i wanted to GET BETTER with the eating shit, ive ACTULLY gotten worse. more obsessive, more addicted to the scale.... calories. im so tired of living like this. im so tired of living.

i wonder what happens when you die? i personally DO NOT believe in "GOD" i cant see how a loving GOD can cause so much pain...or allow such pain to go on. anyhow, i DO believe theres something though... something for me. a place where we all are beautiful... no one hurts, no one crys.... we laugh, we dance. ill look in the mirror and see me. ME, not some ugly, fat, worthless person whos entire self worth has become a game of scales, food, calories.... hate. self hate. the only time i "feel" anymore, is if i accomplished my daily goals. latley, im trying to BETTER that.... its MAKING ME WORSE.

i just hope that when im gone.... that place WILL exist. that i will feel good enough, ill feel what its like to LIVE each moment in joy, no worries.....

and when my husband and son join me.... ill see my son RUN to me, god... i cant wait to see him run.i want to push him on swings, i want to hold his hand while he walks... i want to feel what its like to hug him while he stands, holding me... his arms around my waist. i want to see him jump. i wanna watch him dance. i want SO much to FEEL these things, to see these things. i want to be free. i want my son to be free from his body. the body that disables him. i hope with all my heart this place exists.

then... ill be free.