youll never know

how does it feel to have such a obsession? people ask me "how can i do what i do" "what are you thinking"... ill put it this way, there IS no thinking... no feeling... it just is. all day... 24-7... it exisist in everything i do. every thought i have... every little thing is somehow related to my disorder. i cant walk past a mirror without looking... not to see if a hair is out of place, but to see how fat i look today. everyday i look fat... its been months since ive lost a signifacant amount of weight and i feel huge. like a cow... like a big fat waste of space.

these thoughts occupy EVERY aspect of my existance. people do not understand. not one bit. they say "how can you not see how nice you look"... i feel like screaming at them... dont those fuckers know i wish i could see it? im sick to fucking death of being consumed by thoughts of food... what should i eat... i cant eat this... im starving, ill eat this bowl of cereal and just puke it up... wheres the control???? my fat ass has none. thats why i stopped loosing weight. in order to do so, i have to restrict EVEN more. my body is USED to this amount... of course im not gonna drop like CRAZY. ive gotta stop eating this amount... and eat less... way less... and stop puking cuz my fucking throat hurts and i feel bloated as shit.

now on to laxatives... yup... ex-lax. why on earth do i use laxatives??? its insane. no "real" weight loss comes from them, i know that.. but somehow in my crazy as fuck mind... i shit, step on that scale a pound lighter and im in bliss. just as ill eat... be a pound heavier, FREAK OUT feeling like i gained weight, im FAT and puke... loose 2 lbs and feel proud. like i lost weight. its sick... its twisted... it consumes me... it may kill me... yet i do it every single day. sometimes several times a day.

imagine that... imagine being soooo terrifyed of gaining weight, and feeling so fat that everyday... you get rid of all youre food. you go into the bathroom, shove your finger down your burnibg throat, and puke. you KNOW it may kill you... you KNOW your teeth will rott.. you KNOW your damaging your organs, esp your heart... yet the fear, anxiety... OBSESSIVE thoughts make ALL those dangers seem minor. cuz christ... id rather die than be fat.

so for all you that just dont get it... think i should "just stop"... go fuck yourselves. im in hell... everyday of my life. just because im not massive overweight DOES NOT mean my disorder is "easier" than a overweight person. i suffer BAD. i hate this... i hate me. i wish it would all go away...

i want to disappear....